I’m back! Perhaps you noticed that I didn’t have my usual writing for the last week. April and May are incredibly busy months in a school year and especially for my job, so I had to put that on the backburner for a minute. Today’s writing features a selection of journal reflections I made within the first few months of the Covid pandemic. My return to writing is very much tied to 2020, as I began the work of daily/weekly journaling as a way to process what was going on in my life, my surroundings, and in the world in general. I understand if you’d rather not peruse this collection of thoughts so feel free to disregard, but for those that stick around I hope you find a relatable partner in the confusion, the anxiety, and the meandering that we all went through during that period. Looking back, I found myself at times disheartened, frustrated, fearful and hopeful and sometimes all of these things at the same time. I have gathered entries from the first couple of months (though I didn’t start writing until about two months into the pandemic) and will most likely use this as a series for the future as I’ve continued journaling actively all this time.
5/10/2020
We’re about two months into this pandemic and time of Covid-19. Life feels listless quite often, and while I’ve been busy with the end of this school year, I often find myself mentally distracted. It’s hard to do simple things such as reading or even watching television. My mind jumps and I’m coursing through the past, present, and future all at once. It’s becoming difficult to exercise and take walks because everything feels daunting. I’ve been productive in spurts, getting stuff done at our new house, unpacking, small beautification projects. I also have this lingering feeling like I could be doing more. It seems kinda odd, but it’s hard even to relax right now.
5/12/2020
One of the better decisions I’ve made in the last couple of days is to start meditating. My mind is a jumbled mess on many days, so trying to center and focus through rest and concentration has been good. Meditation is incredibly hard work though. A good metaphor I’ve learned recently is to treat thoughts with a volume dial. You may not completely turn it on mute, but you can work to lower the noise.
5/14/2020
The news continues to be dire with headlines such as “Coronavirus May Not Go Away” and recent spikes in projected death tolls. A hard part of existence is trying to build routines and calm while encountering random bits of news that simply rattle you.
5/22/2020
Emily and I took a short road trip to Claremore and Catoosa (saw the Blue Whale, of course) and then we dropped by The Golden Driller upon our return to Tulsa, which has been Musk-ed. Tesla is hinting that they might open their Cybertruck factory here though I think that is doubtful. Our city is currently in the She’s All That phase, taking off our glasses to try and prove to our suitors that we’ve been hot the whole time. We’ve got Sixpence None the Richer on blast and we’re walking in high heels to court anyone who will notice us. It’s sad.
5/24/2020
I’m disheartened by the constant complaining, bellyaching, and whining of others. Criticism isn’t the same as complaint by the way. Criticism is there to articulate how things can be better, it can have a hopeful and constructive approach. The pandemic is not an excuse to be an asshole. A crisis is an opportunity for us to be better, to love each other more truly and with increased grace. Anxiety abounds but we can still reorient ourselves to healthy and fixed practices.
6/17/2020
I’m tired, mentally. Between the pandemic, the racism, the terrible people who bother Emily at her store and flout ordinances and masking and are openly hostile toward her… the hatefulness of it all. Sometimes it feels like too much, as if we don’t know any other posture other than fear and exclusion. I’m trying to wrap my head around it, but I’m not meant to understand it. It’s insanity.
6/26/2020
Yesterday was one of those news-dominated days that punches you in the gut and continues with multiple jabs in the kidneys and constant uppercuts. Federal aid for testing is soon to end, the CDC is saying that potentially 20 million people may be infected, and that is followed by highest one-day total of confirmed cases in the United States. New theories include that age may not be the indicator of severity it was once thought to be. Scary.
I’m stubbornly optimistic though. Hell, we aren’t promised anything in this life. I have breath today, I know some of the best people on the planet, I have a home and a lovely partner, I get to read great books and listen to music and there is alcohol! I’ve always appreciated the words of Socrates in this moment, that it is false wisdom when we feign knowledge about death. We fear it, but we don’t actually know what it leads to. It’s hard to live that out sometimes, but in reality none of us know for sure what, if anything, awaits. It may not be a thing to fear, even though it is a tragedy for the living. Our lives are determined by both loss and provision. I also appreciate the Hebrew scriptures in the moment, that we must accept both of these realities together and for what they are. Perhaps I’m just rambling now…
I need to return to meditation, I’ve stopped as of late. I need to write more too. Read a ton and write a ton. Treat it like a full-time job and if I don’t pursue it with gusto then I need to move on. I’m going to give this writing thing another shot. I’ve been a pretend writer for a long time now, being sporadic and listless. If this is actually going to be a part of my life, then I need to make it happen.
This is just a brief sampling of thoughts that represent many, many pages of journaling. There are darker moments and more pointed political thoughts that I’m not ready to share in this space just yet, but I hope this writing communicates just how bewildering this experience was and still is. At varying degrees, we all struggled to make it through this crisis and a part of me wants to celebrate that we’re still here. We obviously can’t say that for everyone and for many of us too it is important to point out that our struggle may not have been as intense as others due to a host of factors. But that also doesn’t negate the experience either. My hope is that we’ve all put our lives and existence in perspective and can come out of this with healthier practices and a more loving approach to ourselves and others. Maybe that is wishful thinking, but it’s better to live from that mental starting point.
If you want to share some reflections about your time during this early stage of the pandemic, please feel free to comment, reach out directly, etc.
Peace…